Personal Demons

In the past week, I admit, that I have been an emotional wreck.  Now most of you would think that this would perhaps have something to do with the passing of Michael's Aunt Mary and our attendance at her funeral services.  I am sad to report that my emotional roller coaster has nothing to do with the death of anyone. In fact, when faced with death over the past 5 years I can admit that it truly has had no affect on me personally.  With that said, I will admit that my emotions have been a result of certain encounters that happened while in the NOLA area as well as a few attacks on me personally by others on the social media website facebook. 

I believe that in life we are born with "free will".  We are free to make our own choices and to follow our own paths in life, where ever they may lead us.  I believe that it is those paths in life that we choose to take which make us into the people that we eventually become. I also believe that people are placed into our lives and taken from us at given points in order to help us along those paths.  Their time to exit our lives is not always clear and in some cases is often hard to accept.  I also believe that there are also cases where the person remains in your life as a test of your faith and morals.  In these cases it is up to you to determine the worth of that persons friendship and it's termination.  The hardest part in life is in choosing the path that is right for you.

I have chosen my path in life and at the current moment my path leads me to taking care of and protecting my family.  There have been many friends in the past three years whom have been placed on my pathway and whom have been a great influence in my life.  They have inspired me to be a better person. They have inspired me religiously. They have given me hope and they have shown me that family is more than those with whom you are related to.  I have also learned from them how true and loving "family"  units should interact and help one another.  I am sad to say that with my own biological family this level of love, friendship, endearment, trust and help does not and never has existed.  I have grown up within a family unit that has always been at war with one another.

Because of the mistrust, anger and aggression that was portrayed when I was a child I grew up socially awkward, mistrusting, aggressive and incapable of building close relationships with others.  It took me a very long time to realize that as a young adult the anger, hatred and aggression that I felt were not my own feelings. I was harboring the feelings and beliefs that were taught to me by my own mother. Between the ages of 18 and 21 I began to seek out those with whom I'd so falsely accused of wrong doing and abandonment and questioned their places throughout my life.  It was then that I determined that my feelings were not my own and chose to forgive those whom I'd thought had done me wrong and move forward in my life. At 24 I met Michael, my life changed and well that story is still writing itself.

Now without going into full detail about my life with my mother and younger sister I will just say that my younger and sister and I chose two very different paths in life.  Because of the choices that each of us have made in life our paths have gone into different directions and I have requested many times that they never cross again.  I know that this may sound harsh without explanation but that is a personal matter that is more suited for private conversations and not for public domains.  Never in my life have I ever wished harm, illness or loss on my sister's part but in order to maintain a healthy life (mentally) for myself and my children I will never reach out a helping hand to her again.  Again, I know that this sounds harsh without explanation but it is what it is.  Unfortunately throughout the turmoil of it all there are three innocent children who are caught in the middle of it all and I can not reach out to them without having any type of involvement with their mother.  I am sorry for the things that they have lived through, experienced and seen but I was not the one who placed them into those situations and was slapped in the face repeatedly when I tried to help.  It pains me to know that they are growing up without the influence of myself and my family in their lives but as I said I chose my path while their mother chose hers. End of discussion....or so I thought.

Last week, because of my chosen path in life and because of my beliefs, I was attacked verbally and on my wall on facebook.  I was portrayed to everyone and was told that I am a racist and that I am teaching my children selective prejudice and hatred.  I was told in front of the children in question that my problem with them lied within their skin color.  I was told that I was raised better than that and that I was wrong for the way that I am raising my own children. This was all done by my own mother. 



I spent all of that first night in tears.  I was hurt and devastated that my own mother would chose such a lowly and childish manner in which to attack me.  How could my own mother say such hateful and mean things about me and my children when she knows all too well that they are not true?  Then to top it off she continued to rant and attacked not only myself but also my father and his family concerning something that happened almost 30 years ago.  It was like having a tyrant suddenly trying to destroy everything and every personal relationship in my life and that tyrant was my mother. 

By the next morning I awoke with my tears dried but with a sense of devastation, despair and embarrassment in my heart.  I was literally sick to stomach and was discovering that her rant was still continuing.  It was then, in the midst of retching in my sister-in-laws bathroom while I was supposed to be showering that I decided that I will no longer let her nor anyone else in my life tear me down like that.  I vowed to myself and my husband that I will not respond to her on facebook and I will not allow her to embarrass me.  I have enough faith in those who know me to know who I truly am and this person that she so ruthlessly tried to portray is not me.  I have chosen to allow her to continue to post her delusional, hurtful, angry and crazy thoughts all the while only embarrassing herself and proving her history of irrational and emotional attacks.  I have also chosen to remind her that the hatred and prejudice that she claims the parent teaches the child was once taught by herself and she truly has no clue how well she taught it. This she will learn about all too well when she receives my personal handwritten letter. (Oh yes Mom, it is coming!)

So why then am I writing this blog?  Well I'm writing this blog to let others whom may come from a dysfunctional, screwed up family know that they are not alone. I want them to know that it is okay to say I am done and to walk away.  It is okay to live your life by your means and no one else's.  It is not okay to allow them to continue to walk on top of you, to belittle you, to betray you, to make you question your worth or to make you question their love.  It is THEY whom have the problems and THEY whom must seek treatment and peace with themselves. Education is the key my friend....and sometimes a little therapy may help too!

Before returning to Texas we stayed an extra two days in the NOLA area in hopes that my mother would come to her senses and want to make amends for her attacks. I'd hoped that she would calm down and call me to discuss matters as an adult.  When she didn't, we left (disappointed), and she has sealed her own fate and future in my life. I did not want it to end this way but I have been left with no choice.  I will not allow anyone to jeopardize the well being of myself nor my children and that betrayal of trust did just that.  I know that once again I will be to blame and she will play victim to the hatred and prejudice that she so believes that I have and I have come to terms with that myself.  Just remember that it was YOU (Mom) he taught it to me and at least my reasons are viable ones. Are yours?