In the past week, I admit, that I have been an emotional wreck. Now most of you would think that this would perhaps have something to do with the passing of Michael's Aunt Mary and our attendance at her funeral services. I am sad to report that my emotional roller coaster has nothing to do with the death of anyone. In fact, when faced with death over the past 5 years I can admit that it truly has had no affect on me personally. With that said, I will admit that my emotions have been a result of certain encounters that happened while in the NOLA area as well as a few attacks on me personally by others on the social media website facebook.
I believe that in life we are born with "free will". We are free to make our own choices and to follow our own paths in life, where ever they may lead us. I believe that it is those paths in life that we choose to take which make us into the people that we eventually become. I also believe that people are placed into our lives and taken from us at given points in order to help us along those paths. Their time to exit our lives is not always clear and in some cases is often hard to accept. I also believe that there are also cases where the person remains in your life as a test of your faith and morals. In these cases it is up to you to determine the worth of that persons friendship and it's termination. The hardest part in life is in choosing the path that is right for you.
I have chosen my path in life and at the current moment my path leads me to taking care of and protecting my family. There have been many friends in the past three years whom have been placed on my pathway and whom have been a great influence in my life. They have inspired me to be a better person. They have inspired me religiously. They have given me hope and they have shown me that family is more than those with whom you are related to. I have also learned from them how true and loving "family" units should interact and help one another. I am sad to say that with my own biological family this level of love, friendship, endearment, trust and help does not and never has existed. I have grown up within a family unit that has always been at war with one another.
Because of the mistrust, anger and aggression that was portrayed when I was a child I grew up socially awkward, mistrusting, aggressive and incapable of building close relationships with others. It took me a very long time to realize that as a young adult the anger, hatred and aggression that I felt were not my own feelings. I was harboring the feelings and beliefs that were taught to me by my own mother. Between the ages of 18 and 21 I began to seek out those with whom I'd so falsely accused of wrong doing and abandonment and questioned their places throughout my life. It was then that I determined that my feelings were not my own and chose to forgive those whom I'd thought had done me wrong and move forward in my life. At 24 I met Michael, my life changed and well that story is still writing itself.
Now without going into full detail about my life with my mother and younger sister I will just say that my younger and sister and I chose two very different paths in life. Because of the choices that each of us have made in life our paths have gone into different directions and I have requested many times that they never cross again. I know that this may sound harsh without explanation but that is a personal matter that is more suited for private conversations and not for public domains. Never in my life have I ever wished harm, illness or loss on my sister's part but in order to maintain a healthy life (mentally) for myself and my children I will never reach out a helping hand to her again. Again, I know that this sounds harsh without explanation but it is what it is. Unfortunately throughout the turmoil of it all there are three innocent children who are caught in the middle of it all and I can not reach out to them without having any type of involvement with their mother. I am sorry for the things that they have lived through, experienced and seen but I was not the one who placed them into those situations and was slapped in the face repeatedly when I tried to help. It pains me to know that they are growing up without the influence of myself and my family in their lives but as I said I chose my path while their mother chose hers. End of discussion....or so I thought.
Last week, because of my chosen path in life and because of my beliefs, I was attacked verbally and on my wall on facebook. I was portrayed to everyone and was told that I am a racist and that I am teaching my children selective prejudice and hatred. I was told in front of the children in question that my problem with them lied within their skin color. I was told that I was raised better than that and that I was wrong for the way that I am raising my own children. This was all done by my own mother.
I spent all of that first night in tears. I was hurt and devastated that my own mother would chose such a lowly and childish manner in which to attack me. How could my own mother say such hateful and mean things about me and my children when she knows all too well that they are not true? Then to top it off she continued to rant and attacked not only myself but also my father and his family concerning something that happened almost 30 years ago. It was like having a tyrant suddenly trying to destroy everything and every personal relationship in my life and that tyrant was my mother.
By the next morning I awoke with my tears dried but with a sense of devastation, despair and embarrassment in my heart. I was literally sick to stomach and was discovering that her rant was still continuing. It was then, in the midst of retching in my sister-in-laws bathroom while I was supposed to be showering that I decided that I will no longer let her nor anyone else in my life tear me down like that. I vowed to myself and my husband that I will not respond to her on facebook and I will not allow her to embarrass me. I have enough faith in those who know me to know who I truly am and this person that she so ruthlessly tried to portray is not me. I have chosen to allow her to continue to post her delusional, hurtful, angry and crazy thoughts all the while only embarrassing herself and proving her history of irrational and emotional attacks. I have also chosen to remind her that the hatred and prejudice that she claims the parent teaches the child was once taught by herself and she truly has no clue how well she taught it. This she will learn about all too well when she receives my personal handwritten letter. (Oh yes Mom, it is coming!)
So why then am I writing this blog? Well I'm writing this blog to let others whom may come from a dysfunctional, screwed up family know that they are not alone. I want them to know that it is okay to say I am done and to walk away. It is okay to live your life by your means and no one else's. It is not okay to allow them to continue to walk on top of you, to belittle you, to betray you, to make you question your worth or to make you question their love. It is THEY whom have the problems and THEY whom must seek treatment and peace with themselves. Education is the key my friend....and sometimes a little therapy may help too!
Before returning to Texas we stayed an extra two days in the NOLA area in hopes that my mother would come to her senses and want to make amends for her attacks. I'd hoped that she would calm down and call me to discuss matters as an adult. When she didn't, we left (disappointed), and she has sealed her own fate and future in my life. I did not want it to end this way but I have been left with no choice. I will not allow anyone to jeopardize the well being of myself nor my children and that betrayal of trust did just that. I know that once again I will be to blame and she will play victim to the hatred and prejudice that she so believes that I have and I have come to terms with that myself. Just remember that it was YOU (Mom) he taught it to me and at least my reasons are viable ones. Are yours?
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Can You See What I See???
Have you ever heard the phrase "art is every where you look"? Have you ever taken the time to look around you and visualize the art that others are missing? Have you ever spent an evening lying on your back gazing up at the clouds with your children as you point out all of the neat shapes and images they can create? How about a day at a museum filled with famous artifacts? Each of these scenarios is an example of how a person can view the art around them. Every person of course perceives art in their own fashion and every person creates art in their own way.
Perhaps you are a person that loves to sew. Maybe you enjoy drawing or painting. Perhaps you're a musician or even a chef. Whatever you do in life you can be an artist in your field. It's the way you perceive things and present them to others that will set you apart from everyone else in the world. For me, well I have many ways of expressing myself artistically and until now I have never shared with anyone the ways that I perceive the world.
Like many I have spent countless hours gazing at the stars and the clouds and depicting images that I can see lying within them. Like few I have also spent hours staring at the textures that encompass my walls, ceilings and floors in my home and amazingly can find hidden pictures within them as well. This is something that I began doing as a child and will still do today. Never before have I revealed it to anyone because.......well, because I thought it would make me appear to be just a little insane. LOL As of late I've slowly began to point out little things to members of my family and I can not express to you the relief that I've felt in knowing that once I point the images out to them they too can see them. So today I would like to share with you a few of those images that I have come to notice hidden within my home. For each image I will first give you a photo of the section of the wall as it appears to the naked eye. These images are there and were not placed there by anyone. However I do find it very difficult not to take a pencil and some paints and create those images where they are for everyone to see. I think that it would be an awesome idea to turn the brick wall in my dining room into an artwork of individually graffiti bricks but alas I do not think my landlord would appreciate it as much as I would. So as a recourse I've decided to take photos of these images as I find them and outline them using my GIMP photo editing program which I will provide to you as the second photo of each image.
Some of these are pretty awesome and it amazes me to see them however I have to admit that some of them also creep me out. Whenever I find an image of something that appears to be looking back....well let's just admit that anything looking back at you through a wall is just weird and creepy!
Image #1: In this image there is a Boba Fett Helmet facing the right with what appears to be an explosion cloud accompanied by the dismembered parts of a space craft and the top of the parachute of the pilot. Can you see it?
Perhaps you are a person that loves to sew. Maybe you enjoy drawing or painting. Perhaps you're a musician or even a chef. Whatever you do in life you can be an artist in your field. It's the way you perceive things and present them to others that will set you apart from everyone else in the world. For me, well I have many ways of expressing myself artistically and until now I have never shared with anyone the ways that I perceive the world.
Like many I have spent countless hours gazing at the stars and the clouds and depicting images that I can see lying within them. Like few I have also spent hours staring at the textures that encompass my walls, ceilings and floors in my home and amazingly can find hidden pictures within them as well. This is something that I began doing as a child and will still do today. Never before have I revealed it to anyone because.......well, because I thought it would make me appear to be just a little insane. LOL As of late I've slowly began to point out little things to members of my family and I can not express to you the relief that I've felt in knowing that once I point the images out to them they too can see them. So today I would like to share with you a few of those images that I have come to notice hidden within my home. For each image I will first give you a photo of the section of the wall as it appears to the naked eye. These images are there and were not placed there by anyone. However I do find it very difficult not to take a pencil and some paints and create those images where they are for everyone to see. I think that it would be an awesome idea to turn the brick wall in my dining room into an artwork of individually graffiti bricks but alas I do not think my landlord would appreciate it as much as I would. So as a recourse I've decided to take photos of these images as I find them and outline them using my GIMP photo editing program which I will provide to you as the second photo of each image.
Some of these are pretty awesome and it amazes me to see them however I have to admit that some of them also creep me out. Whenever I find an image of something that appears to be looking back....well let's just admit that anything looking back at you through a wall is just weird and creepy!
Image #1: In this image there is a Boba Fett Helmet facing the right with what appears to be an explosion cloud accompanied by the dismembered parts of a space craft and the top of the parachute of the pilot. Can you see it?
Image #2: There are quite a few things happening in this photo. First let's look at the obvious image which would be of a marshmallow head (think marshmallow man) wearing a pair of 80's style headphones. Directly to the right of the marshmallow head is a lizard head with a mohawk. Directly below them is a sideways character that appears to be looking around something and waving. And on the top there is a grumpy cat face to the far left and a Jabba the Hutt type character in the center. Can you see them?
Image #3: This image reminds me of something from Halo or Mech Assault. In this image you can see a compound or building of some type situated atop of a hill, there is an erupting volcano and coming from the opposite side of the volcano appears to be some sort of mech character. Can you see it?
Image #4: This image also has a few things going on in it. To the immediate left of the brick you can see what appears to be the outline of boy or person wearing a robe or cape. In the center is a Domo like character whom appears to be recreating 'The Scream'. But with the creepy skull and droid type spider thing that has a mouth full of souls who wouldn't scream?! Can you see it?
Image #5: Here you can see what appears to be a very buff monkey holding a gun and some sort of prehistoric bird/fish creature peeking over a rock. Can you see them?
Image #6: This one is crazy but also one of my favorites since it's so bizarre. Notice the robot chicken head floating in the center about what appears to be a body of water. Out of the clouds appears a knight or space man and out of the water is a creepy sci-fi type eye. Awesome! Can you see it?
Image #7: This one isn't quite as detailed or extravagant as some of the others but it is sure to creep you out. Notice the angry man staring at you?
Image #8: This is an alternate view of the Boba Fettafro that reminds me of the video game afro samurai. Can you see them?
Image #9: This guy looks like a little alien dude with an afro. Alyssa says he's a cartoon Yoda with a fro. Can you see him?
Image #10: Is it a ghost? Is it an alien? Perhaps its E.T. or a boy wrapped in a blanket. Can you see him?
Image #11: Oh no! There's two! Can you see them?
Image #12: I'm not sure what happened to this guys face but he's certainly not happy about it. They eye on the left is really large and his mouth is open. Can you see him?
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Alyssa is 7!
This past week Alyssa turned 7 years old. I can hardly believe that it is here and I don't think that I'll ever get used to it. In the past year I have watched as she has grown physically, intellectually, and emotionally. She has learned to tie her own shoes. She has begun playing competitive sports. She has lost her first tooth and she continues to make everyone around her smile.
I am so proud to call her my daughter. She loves everything life has to offer and offers that unbiased love to everyone that she meets. Color, ethnicity, disabilities, languages spoken, favorite colors, favorite games etc. hold no meaning to her when she meets someone new. She is a perfect combination of tom boy meets princess. She can talk and play Star Wars, Transformers and Super Heroes with the boys and do Princesses, dress-up, fashion and baby dolls with the girls. Lately her favorite shows to watch are He-Man and She-Ra. She loves to play games, read books, create arts and crafts, write stories and poems and go camping. On her mp3 player you can often hear her singing along to Katy Perry's Fireworks, Tao Cruz's Dynamite, and the Black Eyed Peas' Tonight's gonna be a good night. When you ask her what she wants to be when she grows up she always responds with "A Movie Director like George Lucas." She's a very special girl with big hopes, big dreams and a big heart.
For her birthday this year we had a Mardi Gras themed party scheduled to happen the weekend after the day of her birthday. As for the actual day of her birthday we of course celebrated with a cake and some gifts from her brothers.
As for her party, well like I said it was a Mardi Gras themed party. We invited some friends over. I decorated the house with Mardi Gras decor. We played Mardi Gras music. We served red beans and rice, crawfish and sausage jambalaya, sliced french bread, boiled shrimp with fixin's (mushrooms, potatoes, corn, brussel sprouts, onion, garlic), Baudoin and Louizianne iced tea. For her cake I mad a cinnamon roll King Cake. Instead of a pinata we did a mock parade where the kids lined up out front and Alyssa threw beads and trinkets to them from her wagon. Instead of games I did face painting for each of the kids and set up a photo booth where we could take their pictures. For goodie bags we gave each of them a hand painted canvas bag filled with a set of purple, green and gold mardi gras beads. It was a fun time that was had by all whom were here. We loved sharing our culture with our friends here in Texas and Alyssa loved having them here to help celebrate her special day. Thank you to everyone who helped us make this day a success!
I am so proud to call her my daughter. She loves everything life has to offer and offers that unbiased love to everyone that she meets. Color, ethnicity, disabilities, languages spoken, favorite colors, favorite games etc. hold no meaning to her when she meets someone new. She is a perfect combination of tom boy meets princess. She can talk and play Star Wars, Transformers and Super Heroes with the boys and do Princesses, dress-up, fashion and baby dolls with the girls. Lately her favorite shows to watch are He-Man and She-Ra. She loves to play games, read books, create arts and crafts, write stories and poems and go camping. On her mp3 player you can often hear her singing along to Katy Perry's Fireworks, Tao Cruz's Dynamite, and the Black Eyed Peas' Tonight's gonna be a good night. When you ask her what she wants to be when she grows up she always responds with "A Movie Director like George Lucas." She's a very special girl with big hopes, big dreams and a big heart.
For her birthday this year we had a Mardi Gras themed party scheduled to happen the weekend after the day of her birthday. As for the actual day of her birthday we of course celebrated with a cake and some gifts from her brothers.
As for her party, well like I said it was a Mardi Gras themed party. We invited some friends over. I decorated the house with Mardi Gras decor. We played Mardi Gras music. We served red beans and rice, crawfish and sausage jambalaya, sliced french bread, boiled shrimp with fixin's (mushrooms, potatoes, corn, brussel sprouts, onion, garlic), Baudoin and Louizianne iced tea. For her cake I mad a cinnamon roll King Cake. Instead of a pinata we did a mock parade where the kids lined up out front and Alyssa threw beads and trinkets to them from her wagon. Instead of games I did face painting for each of the kids and set up a photo booth where we could take their pictures. For goodie bags we gave each of them a hand painted canvas bag filled with a set of purple, green and gold mardi gras beads. It was a fun time that was had by all whom were here. We loved sharing our culture with our friends here in Texas and Alyssa loved having them here to help celebrate her special day. Thank you to everyone who helped us make this day a success!
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